When Honoring Your Father and Mother Isn’t Easy

“Honor thy father and mother” isn’t just a passing reference in the Bible. It’s one of the Ten Commandments and a recurring theme throughout scripture. As much as we might like to, we don’t grow out of it, and it isn’t conditional. 

If you and your parents don’t always get along or don’t feel like you had the ideal upbringing, this commandment can be harder for adults than it is for children. So, how do you honor your father and mother after a strained relationship?

“That Your Days May Be Long”

“Honor your father and mother” is the fifth commandment. It’s the first commandment that explains how we should interact with other people—the first four set out how we should interact with God. It’s also one of the only commandments that comes with an explanation:

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which the Lord your God gives you.”

Exodus 20:12

I updated this language when talking to the child in my life: “Your mother and I didn’t live this long by being fools.” 

Your parents being older than you doesn’t mean they have lived all their lives in perfect wisdom. But you can learn from their mistakes and still honor them. 

Let’s look back to the first book of the Bible at one of the first patriarchs:

Noah and His Sons

Having gathered his family and built the ark that restarted the world after the great flood, Noah had a lot on his shoulders. When the waters receded,

“[Noah] became drunk, and lay uncovered in his tent.”

Genesis 9:21

Ham, one of Noah’s sons, finds Noah lying there. 

Instead of caring for Noah, Ham goes out and tells everyone about his shameful condition. Noah’s other two sons take a garment and “[cover] the nakedness of their father; their faces were turned away” (Genesis 9:23). When Noah wakes up, he blesses the two sons who cared for him while the third son gossips. 

The moral of the story isn’t that what Noah did was okay. It was a shameful moment of weakness for one of the Bible’s great heroes. But it means we can still care for our parents when they make mistakes.

The Noah Story and My Relationship With My Father

There’s still more that we can learn from this event in Noah's life, namely that the patriarchs, like our own parents, made mistakes because they were human. You can argue that our parents deserve honor and respect just for “making it this long,” but that doesn’t mean they have it all figured out.

My father didn’t win any Father of the Year awards for a few years. It was easy for me to be resentful about our relationship, but I was being selfish. I wanted my father to be what I expected a father to be, but I didn’t see myself as just one part of a very long story. My father was dealing with his upbringing. 

His father, in addition to having potentially struggled with being a veteran, had lost his father at an early age. My father was doing his best with what he had learned from my grandfather, who hadn’t had a father to learn from. 

My relationship with my father improved when I was old enough to see that. Our relationship isn’t perfect, and there are rough patches, but I also think of our relationship when I deal with the child. I try to think of her needs and ensure that I am doing what is best for her and taking care of my health and wellness.

To Honor Is to Understand

Honoring your father and mother doesn’t mean giving them a pass on all of their mistakes. If their mistakes seem too much, honoring them can mean understanding that they were living their own lives. Those lives had challenges, and raising you didn’t make them disappear. 

Even when it might not have felt like it, your parents were probably doing their best and could use your support.